The Itchy Guide to Bouncers in Liverpool
Bouncers in Liverpool are not much different from those in any town or city, with the possible exception of those with an army base nearby. So the first rule of dealing with any bouncers in this fair city is simple: they're always right. Even when they're wrong, they're right. Even when they're very, very, very, unbelievably wrong, they're right. So never, never argue with them. You will not believe how many times we've seen people in the middle of Seel Street or Mathew Street arguing with bouncers as if there was any kind of point to it whatsoever. Plus in these areas there's lots of clubs, and the bouncers all know each other and are quite willing to lend a hand to tear some uppity drunk a new one. But we must tolerate bouncers; or 'doorstaff', for you must never use the B word to their faces as they don't like it. We prefer to go to indie clubs in places like the Barfly, Le Bateau or the Carling Academy, and the bouncers here are mostly fine. As a rule of thumb, the older they are the better they are, with the exception of an old guy in one the above clubs who seems to actively enjoy kicking several shades of lentil-flavoured shit out of the generally harmless student clientele. In less student-friendly places, usually the House clubs around Concert Square, it's also good to beware of the bouncers who have 'connections', and who won't hesitate to call up some of their very disagreeable friends to 'deal' with anyone who looks at them funny. But then that's Concert Square. Anyone who's ever been there on a Friday or Saturday night will know what a hellhole it can be, and you may find yourself being grateful not just for the Boys in Luminous Yellow stationed around there, but also the bouncers. In a city where doorstaff sometimes get shot - it happened recently in nearby Southport, and guns are far more prevalent in Liverpool - you've got to be grateful they're around even when that bunch of mutant Scally meatheads decide their idea of fun involves pissing off everybody else in the room. However, they can make your life difficult. The chief weapon at the disposal of the bouncer is right of entry. If you happen to be female and attractive, beware the (young) bouncer who will delay you in order to exchange some particularly filthy sexual innuendo. This happens just about everywhere, as far as we can tell, so we're not naming individuals. Even blokes are not immune, and can be delayed or turned away for very little reason. This happens less often these days. In the days before late bars, you could be turned away for wearing a short sleeved shirt, as a friend of ours once was. If you want to avoid all this, then it's best to either get on the guest list, or get to know the bouncers. Alas, both of these are Sisyphus-like tasks in Liverpool, although places like the Barfly are so used to people coming and going from the various clubs and gigs, that it's quite easy to bluff your way. Holding an amp would also be an advantage. It's also incredibly easy to bluff your way into any of the clubs on Mathew Street if you happen to possess female genitalia. The bigger the better. The best bouncers are like football referees; if you don't notice them, they're doing a good job. They don't delay attractive women wanting to enter until they get whatever sexual favour they want, or they don't stride across the dancefloor when it's absolutely rammed mowing down the smaller members like Jeremy Clarkson in a bicycle lane. A club we went to recently has excellent bouncers, mostly because they hardly do anything. We saw someone go up to them and point out some particularly boisterous idiot throwing himself around and they looked, shrugged and said 'nah, he's all right.' And you know what? They're right. Let the game flow, we say.
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